What Is Real Love?
By Gabrielle Reilly

 


Love: What is "real" love? How can you tell when you are really in love, or when it is infatuation? How can you tell if the one you love, is really in love with you?

Although I am a romantic diehard, I am also a "common sense" sort of gal... this article isn't about some romanticized version of love, but more an "Aussie" style practical guide to love and life. It is by no means always applicable, but certainly a very good guideline.

So firstly lets clarify the main two types of love:

1. Eros: Erotic love that is bound in the impulse to gratify basic needs... sexual desire. This obviously is the most common type of love, particularly for men who are attracted to visually pleasing images, like women are drawn to things that sparkle. With this love comes all the complications of trying to land a FA/18 jet on a naval ship at night in a fog, it should be navigated with great care. The intensity of these urges can be immense, but once satisfied, you can be left wondering what the big deal was all about anyway.


 

 

 

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2. Agape: Agape love is more of an unconditional love... like a parent has for a child. They may be able to see the child's faults but love them regardless. A love that when the beauty wears off, the love does not. The love we saw President Reagan and Nancy Reagan enjoyed... that spark for each other just never seemed to die even as there good looks slipped away with the decades. Although they most certainly would have lived through tough times together, the love never died.

It is very difficult to find agape love in today's society when beauty and "things" are so sought after. For a person to find agape love, they must look within themselves, become very centered, and focus on what has true meaning and value, rather than the superficial that only brings momentary satisfaction before the yearning and dissatisfaction start to drive them to the next conquest. In fact satisfying those eros urges can just leave you feeling like you gave a part of yourself away... and the more you give yourself away, the less value and meaning it all really has. You never know how valuable water is until the well dries up... when the water flows freely no one truly appreciates its value.

So how do you know you are really in love or just infatuated? Time is probably the single best indicator to determine if it is real love. If things are difficult and you are willing to continue to try to resolve them, then that would be another clue and if you are actually interested in what they have to say rather than just wanting to touch their body. If you are willing to go out of your way for them, worry about their safety and think of them throughout the day after the gloss has worn off and you see also their flaws then it may be love. I think it would be obvious if you love someone without going into too much detail. What is not so obvious for most relationships is how the other person really feels.

How do you know if your partner loves you? If they like to make sure you are safe, well and happy and that doesn't fade over time, then you have likely got someone genuine and not someone just interested in sex, money, power or casual entertainment for when they are bored or not busy. However if you are with someone who does back flips for their friends, family, boss etc, yet constantly find they wouldn't cross the road to throw water on you to put out a fire, they are either not genuinely interested or a very questionable person to be in a relationship with. If they are in love they should truly hate to see you hurt, like a parent watching their children get hurt... their pain becomes your pain. Now as much as it hurts, you really need to get real when the last tell signs appear; they don't return your calls or don't call period, they more often than not cancel their dates with you, degrade you to your friends and want to go out on dates with other people. At that point it is just not healthy and you most like are just being strung along.

What happens if you find you are in love with someone who is not in love with you? If you have given ample time and no love has flourished, then you sadly must face the reality that no real love is likely to flourish. Sooner or later it is going to be painful, so you might as well not waste more of your precious life yearning for something your partner most likely will never be able to give you. That decision becomes even more important if you would like to someday have a family.

I guess if you come to the decision that your partner doesn't genuinely love you, then you will need to start focusing your social life into other avenues and gradually start to detach yourself from them. Get busy and have things in your life that make you excited... like a trip away, the coming of spring, a new job etc. Gradually drifting away might be the easiest, as apposed to waking up one day and deciding you will never see them again. That is like trying to give up smoking, you will have withdrawals all day and it will then require discipline. Regardless, you must realize if you really did love them, it won't be easy, but it is important in the big scheme of your life to move on, on your terms. You may relapse every now and again and that is fine, but be sure to pick yourself back up and become refocused.

And if you have found a partner where you care for and nurture each other as you would want to care for and nurture your child, if you love each other even with all the flaws... then may you treasure and appreciate the great blessing you have. Happiness is in large part, recognizing and appreciating what you have to be happy about... and it is the greatest antidote to ward off boredom.

END

LOVE

We are all called upon
to do small things
with great love.

- Mother Teresa
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© Gabrielle Reilly Weekly